Thursday, May 5, 2011

Mommy Confessions, Part One

·         I believe in the closet monster and the monster who lives under the bed. The number one survival rule? No dangling bare feet over the edge of the bed. Duh.
·         Sometimes I try to scare my kids into submission. I tell Colin that if he doesn't hurry up and get in the car, I'm turning the ghosts in the attic loose.
·         I'm petrified of balls. If you throw one at me, I will never ever catch it.
·         My kids are very indulged when it comes to material things, but I do believe in giving them big empty cardboard boxes on a regular basis.
·         I also believe that a spoon and a box of fruit roll ups should entertain them all day if they're outside.
·         I honestly can't believe they let me leave the hospital with my tiny human beings. Shouldn't there be a competency test or something? I also believe that if I had been given said competency test, I would have failed.
·         On that note, I was surprised when I had kept my kids alive for a few weeks because, hello, I had never even kept a plant alive that long.
·         When they tell you that the smell of your own child's poop won't gag you, they are lying.
·         I love my kids a little more when they're squeaky clean. Same goes for my husband.
·         Some parents want their children to be sports superstars, doctors and the like- I will be just fine if they turn out like their dad- doing something they love and being a great husband and father.
·         I never really wanted kids. I'm still not sure if I do.
·         Parenthood is like riding a roller coaster, backwards, in the dark, 200 miles an hour, without a seatbelt...oh, and you're drunk.
·         I believe in the sanctity of blanket forts.
·         I haven't used the restroom or taken a shower alone since 2004.
·         I would rather be buttfucked with a Star Wars action figure than take my kids to Wal-Mart alone.
·         My kids can get away with a lot if they make me laugh.
·         They say you should toughen up little boys, not run to their aid when they get hurt, not intervene when they are in trouble. Well, 'they' can suck it.
·         I'll read my kids a bedtime story, but only if I can have wine first.
·         There is nothing more honest than a child.  If you are a grouchy asshole with bad breath, you are going to hear about it.
·         People who hurt children should be punished creatively. My grandpa used to tell a story about a how a child molester from his hometown was punished- they nailed the guy's private parts to the roof of a barn, lit it on fire and told the guy they would let him live if he jumped.
·         When I lay down to go to sleep at night, I never feel like I did the best I could as a mom- I could have done more, been more patient, tried harder to teach than preach, been more fun, been less grumpy...
·         When you reach the end of your rope, you will discover that your kids greased the rope and set the fucking thing on fire while you were on the way down.
·         Someday when my kids throw a fit at Wal-Mart, I intend to pitch a bitch fit- laying down in the aisles, spitting and screaming- not because I think it will teach them a lesson, but because I just want to.
·         I'm not surprised when my kids swear. But I act like I am.
·         The fact that my kids look like my husband makes me love him a little more.
·         I actually have been trying to clean up my language, but I use sound alikes.  Saying "clean your trucking room" doesn't sound any better, does it?
·         When I see other moms who seem to have it all together- well groomed, everyone in matching outfits, nice clean stroller, everybody smiling- it takes every bit of self control I have not to punch them in the face.
·         Nothing good ever came out of your child yelling "mom hurry- you gotta see this!"
·         When my kids are teenagers, if they ever dare to come home impaired, they can kiss their eyebrows goodbye. I'm serious.
·         I admire people who limit their kids' tv time, but there are days when I would let the boys watch The Exorcist if I thought it would buy me a few minutes of peace.
·         I'm probably not responsible enough to be a parent, but I've done ok so far.