Thursday, May 5, 2011

What happens when I try to quit swearing...

Ok…certain events in my recent past have led me to believe that I need to try to stop swearing…again.  I need a 12 step group or something “Hello. My name is Christine and YES, I kiss my momma with this mouth.” Honestly, I can’t help it- I think in swear words, hell (see) I even dream in swear words.  You might be curious about my word of choice and while any will do in a pinch, my favorite is MF.  I know, but I DO limit myself to 5 MF’s a day, only 2 of which can be in my children’s presence.  Which I think makes me classy as hell.
In light of this, I decided to share the events that unfolded the last time I tried to quit swearing. Let’s journey back to a time when Colin was two…
Woke up early in the morning filled with the promise of a new day- renewed in spirit- THIS would be the morning I got my shit together and accomplished something.  And you know what? Since I was feeling so great, I decided this would be the morning I stopped using language that made sailors red-faced with embarrassment.  I managed to put on an actual dress, get a face full of makeup, and fix my hair. Feeling pretty darned pleased with myself, I had Colin fed, dressed and in the car ready to run errands at 9:00 am. We did have one minor setback when Colin insisted on wearing his red cowboy boots with his shorts and sweater vest, but since he and I were MOSTLY in coordinating outfits, I thought we were still pretty MF adorable. After an exhaustive search for my wedding ring, (the little pirate had been pillaging through my jewelry lately- no telling what happened to it!) we headed off to our first errand—every mother’s nightmare- the US Post Office.  On the way, as we were enjoying the lovely Oklahoma day, windows down, smelling the sweet spring air, Colin started screaming at the top of his lungs for the Teletubbies DVD. I hated that thing, but in the interest of peace, I kindly pressed play and filled the car with the Teletubbies theme song. If you’re unfamiliar with the Teletubbies, let me just tell you right away that Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Lala and Po are just MF annoying. As we rounded the corner into the post office, Colin informed me “Boot gone.” As I frantically searched the car, he kept repeating “Boot gone” and then finally solved the mystery by saying “Boot gone out window.” Great. He was going to have to hobble into the MF post office with one red boot on. Ok. Fine. I’m still in my great, positive mood as we waited in line to mail a package.  I noticed that my son was doing a little one booted dance for the entertainment of the other patrons AND he was chewing gum.   I didn’t give him any gum.  The kind lady behind us informed me that “He picked that right off the ground and put it in his mouth.”  Thanks for the MF help lady and by the way, that was certainly MF disgusting! After managing to mail our package and rebuckle ourselves in the car, we were off to our second errand of the day- the bank/grocery store.  Along the way, I was struck by a blinding pain in my forehead as I noticed the other red boot, breaking my sunglasses, and flying out the MF window. I yelled “OUCH!” and nearly had to pull over because that MF hurt! As I unbuckled my little angel from his seat and carried him into the store I was touched when he leaned in for a big bear hug…that quickly turned into an attempt to choke me into unconsciousness.  After unprying his freakishly strong hands from around my neck, I silently cursed Frank and the MF UFC fights! Overwhelmed by a sense of foreboding, I leaned in close and whispered a promise to Colin that I would buy him a flying pony if he would behave in the store.  He smiled sweetly, acknowledging our deal.  Three minutes later, I emerged from said store, telling Colin that he definitely wasn’t getting a MF flying pony and “thank you for getting us kicked out of Reasor’s because that was the last MF grocery store in Broken Arrow that would let us shop there!”
On the way home, I turned up Slipknot as loud as the stereo would go to drown out Colin’s screaming.  I’m not sure, but there IS a small chance he was screaming ‘MF’. It may have been me screaming, I’m not going to lie.
When we got home, it was blessedly time for Colin’s nap.  I resumed my search for my wedding ring while he slept.  I looked everywhere- even under my bed where it occurred to me that not only was I irresponsible, I was a MF slob.  As I prepared to give up my search, I noticed my wedding ring by the bathroom sink…right where I MF left it!
And if that wasn’t enough- the first time I tried to post this, my MF computer crashed!