Sunday, May 15, 2011

Why I'm Not Allowed to Meet Famous People, Especially If Those People Are Taddy Porter.

The truth is, famous people make people act weird. So really, it's not about 'us' as much as it is about 'them'. My mild mannered friend S took out an entire row of men- from the ARMED FORCES, for God's sake- trying to touch Michael Buble's hand. There they were, defending our country and enjoying a little old fashioned crooning and here comes S like a stealth bomber or some kind of shit , climbing over their heads and knocking down chairs and totally wipes them out! Wenifer said she couldn't believe her eyes as S emerged from the pile o'soldiers, clawing her way to the top, arm outstretched still trying to touch HIM. I couldn't believe it either! Can you imagine how S would have acted had it been someone with actual sex appeal instead of Michael effing Buble?!
I'll tell you what she would have done- she would have acted like I did the night S, Wenifer and I met Taddy Porter, my very favorite band. I saw the guitar player walking around before the show and I went up to tell him how much I loved his band and all I could say was "Are you Joe?" before he was frightened away by my exhuberence OR the invisible writing on my head that says 'I'm sooo gonna jump out from behind a dumpster later and put you in my trunk'. It may have been my breath which was a combination of sashimi and champagne., but I WAS chewing gum and I don't think he got close enough to hear me much less SMELL me. I didn't do any better when I saw the singer, Andy, walking amongst the regular people. I went to shake his hand and like a total boob, tripped over something invisible on the floor of Cain's Ballroom (which is really HARD to do because that was the only time I have tripped at Cain's EVER and I was mostly completely sober, so I can't even use that as an excuse). Anyway, I had all this stuff to say- I'm sure you can imagine- about how much I loved their music and that it made me fall in love with music all over again and that I think they're easily the most talented, promising band on the planet- and what did I say??? "Best. Band. Ever." I'm not kidding. I tripped, fell on him and then said "best. band. ever." If that doesn't scream 'vodka drunk cougar',I don't know what does. The only souvenier I have is a really dark picture of Andy and I where the look on his face clearly says 'help me' and the never ending sting of embarassment. Well, I have that and the knowledge that I'm barely suitable for regular people much less famous people.