Sunday, July 17, 2011

Mr. Good and the Naughty Esthetician

This post sounds a lot sexier than it is, folks, but one thing I have learned about men is this:  if you put the word 'NAUGHTY' in front of anything, they're totally into it.  Tell your hubby you want to play 'Mrs. Jones and the Naughty Housekeeper Who Does the Dishes' and watch how fast he races to the kitchen sink.  They are also distracted by naps and sandwiches.  Trust me.  I have loads of experience on this one.

You see, I really, really wanted to try my new peel off face mask-- made with soothing cucumber and aloe, but I'm not putting anything, and I mean anything on my skin before I try it out on someone else first.   My skin is heavily botoxed and medicated and therefore highly sensitive.  Plus, I just like to peel shit and I thought it would be fun to peel Frank. That's where telling him that I wanted to play 'Mr. Good and the Naughty Esthetician' came in handy.

I propped him up on pillows, heated some towels and went to work.  The face mask was indeed 'apeeling' (ba dum bump- I'll be here all week folks) , so I decided to reward my ever patient hubby with a little more tlc. I massaged his face with all sorts of scrubs and potions.  He was almost asleep- far too sleepy for anything naughty (which just proves my point that men are easily distracted by naughty things AND naps)   And then a very, very terrible idea occurred to me...I decided the finale to his facial would be to cover his face (including his freshly exfoliated lips) with my "extremely expensive face cream that is so expensive I barely use it on myself, but I'm sharing it with you because I love you so much, honey".  Yeah, he totally should have known something was up, but like I said, he was almost comatose.  I covered his face with my special cream and a fresh warm towel and told him to relax until he fell asleep.  As he was drifting to dreamland, I whispered in his ear "this stuff's anti aging properties are so magical that there is a very, very rare and teeny tiny chance that it will cause a severe allergic reaction and your face will go a little numb. Permanently." 

Of course, the 'special cream' was the Lidocaine gel I had left over from the time I had shingles (if you don't know the real shingles story, I promise I'll tell you later.  If you think you already know the real shingles story, you probably don't)

The fun began for me right after I turned out the lights when he whispered, in a very panicked voice "Holy shit, Christine- my lips are numb. What the fuck have you done to me?!?!" 

Then I had to actually do something naughty and make him a sandwich to make up for terrifying him, but that's another story.