Saturday, September 17, 2011

Another Reason You Don't Want Kids

You don't want kids because they're a total pain in the ass, people.  If you have some already, find someone to give them away to.  If you don't have kids, borrow the kids I just mentioned- it's a win-win.

Recently my three year old has decided that before every diaper change, he is going to take off running around the house while I frantically chase after him, diapers and wipes in hand, until I finally corner him in some random room, usually under somebody's bed.  Then I drag him out, laughing like a deranged hyena (him, not me.  Just wanted to clarify.) while he karate kicks the shit out of me until I get the diaper changed.  That's just for a diaper with pee pee in it.  If it's poop, it's worse.  Today, my friends, he has the trots. 

If you're not familiar with the term 'diaper blow out', you don't want to be.  But just in the interest of convincing you how much you really, truly do NOT want children, I'm going to tell you.  It's when diarrhea leaks out of their diaper...everywhere.  They happen in Wal-Mart, church, family vacations, the Myer's Duren Harley Store in Tulsa, Ok (it happened 6 years ago- I guarantee they still remember it.  It had leaked up Colin's back and onto Frank.  Frank had to wash his hands so I'll give you one guess who had to handle the unholy mess in the bathroom)

Corbin had a diaper blow out this evening, but I'm no amateur-  I sneak the diaper rash cream onto a finger, cleverly hiding it behind the diaper and box of wipes and proceed to chase him around the house.  The first thing I did was run head first into the open cabinet (forgot to close it while trying to hide diaper rash cream- he HATES it) and bust my forehead open.  Now I'm wiping blood from my eyes as I try to locate the little shit before he gets...well, shit, all over the entire house.  When I finally wrestled him to the ground and finished he looked at me and said "Mommy! You're hurt!  I kiss your forehead!"  I'm a big softie folks, so I leaned in for the sweet kiss.  He took a closer look and patted me on the head saying "You gross. I give you hug instead."

Fuck it.  I'm hitting the rum early tonight, folks!