Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Men and Lesbians

I'm sitting in the bedroom right now listening to my husband watch the movie 'Wild Things'.  Anyone who has seen this movie knows it is famous for one thing- and it isn't the Oscar worthy performances.  It's the lesbian scene between Neve Campbell and Denise Richards in the swimmimg pool.  I will say that I have never, EVER seen Frank move as quickly as he did this evening getting the boys into bed (which mostly involved him yelling from the couch "Christine- hurry up and get the kids to bed.  Daddy (wink, wink) is going to watch that lesbian Denise Richards movie") Now, please know one thing about me, even if you don't care about anything else- I'm not homophobic in any way shape or form.  I support any healthy relationship between two adults, regardless of the package it comes in.  More love in the world?  Sounds great to me!  But let's get back to lesbians, if you don't mind.

All of my girlfriends and I have had this conversation at some point- we don't understand the urge to have a threesome. Basically we're too lazy and it seems complicated-- I would probably need instructions and a diagram of what goes where and when.  And then there's the whole issue of germaphobes- do you hand out hand sanitizer to everyone?  I think it might burn.  Bleach wipes?  They're just a yeast infection looking for a place to happen.  The only other option I can think of is Lysol and I'm guessing it's offensive and a bit of a mood killer to be handed a can of Lysol spray before sex.  It doesn't exactly scream 'I'm gonna rock your world', does it?

And yet 95% of my friends say their husbands would be supportive if they wanted to invite another woman into the boudoir.  They go as far as saying that their hubby's 'encourage it from time to time'.  Like when Frank and I were in Vegas.  He kept telling me "Oh honey, that girl just checked you out."  I'm no dummy.  I can read him like a book.  A short, easy book with giant letters and mostly pictures.  I told him "Frank, I'm sorry.  I'm not a lesbian.  I'm not going to be.  Please stop letting me know that you're totally supportive of me exploring my sexuality."  Frank looked crestfallen and said "Way to crush a man's dream.  It's no different from you having crushes on rock stars and going on about 'Oh, Piggy D is so hot, blah blah blah'.  "Ummmm yes it is"  I interjected "I don't try to get you drunk and convince you that YOU'RE a ROCK STAR!"

Besides, one of my more brilliant friends summed it up this way "Don't husbands realize that if they ever did make this fantasy a reality, they would leave the experience feeling very...inadequate?"

Well said, my friend...well said.  The next time he asks for a threesome, I'm going to ask if I can invite Dj Ashba.  That might make him rethink his plans.