Wrapping Christmas presents is for dirty whores. I hate it. I can't make a bow with ribbon. I can't cover a package without using eleventy thousand pieces of tape. I can't get the paper off the sticky bows. I can't curl ribbon without cutting it. My packages look like they were wrapped by a sightless cat on acid. (The bad kind of both cat and acid) Frank KNOWS this and yet year after year we go through the same routine: I wrap and he makes fun of me for the rest of the year.
This year, it's just more of the same, people. This is how my wrapping went. After Frank took the boys out for two measly hours.
1:00 Frank leaves with boys
1:01 Place phone call to Frank to see if he was serious about only being gone two hours.
1:02 Panic because he was serious and I'm already confused. Put on pink sparkly lipgloss.
1:30 Stop sitting on bed holding lipgloss and staring blindly into space and look for tape.
1:39: Realize I've been looking for gum, not tape. Happy to find gum, though.
1:45 Locate 1/4 roll of tape, silently cussing at Colin for being a tape waster.
2:00 Locate scissors. Locate sparkly silver ribbon. "Heeeyyyyy ribbon- you're pretty"
2:30 Realize I've been playing with sparkly ribbon for a long time. Panic again.
3:00 Finish wrapping one present. Hands stuck together with tape.
3:10 Hair and makeup check in the bathroom. Wonder how MAC gets sparkle into Dazzlegloss. Appreciate sparkly for a moment.
3:20 More gum. Also need coconut water. Wonder if coconut water is really good for you.
3:25 Google coconut water. Panic.
3:40 More presents wrapped. Notice I'm all tied up with silver sparkly ribbon. And glitter is everywhere. Appreciate glitter for a moment.
4:00 Frank and boys home. 20 presents left to wrap. Holy fuckballs.
I did eventually get all the presents wrapped, but it was after about 175,000 'SQUIRREL' moments. Just another day in the life...
**UPDATE: YES I realize he was gone three hours. Cheese and rice, that's the point.