Thursday, May 19, 2011

Things You Shouldn't Have to Say Out Loud to Your Children

After telling my youngest son (more than once) that "Boogers are for noses and tissues ONLY!"  I started thinking about the things parents say out loud and sometimes, how weird those things might sound to...well, to pretty much anyone who was around.
I remember once when Colin was a toddler, we had a yellow rubber duck safety thingy on the bathtub faucet- he loved nothing more than slipping it off the faucet and naturally, onto his foot where it would invariably become stuck and turn into quite the tugging match between yellow duckie and myself.  After one too many tugging matches, I distinctly remember telling him that whatever he did, he was to STOP taking the duckie off the faucet and STOP putting his foot in it.  Colin looked at me quite blankly and said "It's in his butt." Ok. Fine. "STOP putting your foot in the duck and especially stop putting your foot in the MF duck's butt, for God's sake!"  See?
A dear friend of mine laughingly disclosed a story about a friend's child (yeah, right) who was caught, pants down bent over in front of a mirror, trying to put a quarter in his butt.  Can you just imagine the conversation that followed??  "Little Freddy, please don't put quarters in your butt. Or pennies. Oh, hell, just don't put ANY loose change in your butt. Pretty please?? For Mommy??!"
It reminds me of another time, right around the duck incident.  Colin and I were laying in bed, snuggling a bit before I tucked him in for the night.  It was dark, peaceful and I had just finished reading 'Goodnight Moon.' (or maybe it was 'Everybody Poops'- I get those two confused) Anyway, we sat there cuddling for a bit before he started touching my eyes and nose...thinking we were playing our 'Mommy's Eyes, Mommy's Nose' game, I obliged, even chewing on his finger for a minute before he went into 'Mommy's Mouth'.  I should have known immediately that something was up when he started giggling hysterically.  He said "I had a booger.  Then I put it in your mouth."
 By now you can probably guess what I said, right??

Now Available, on HWFI...

One of my friends just sent me a darling email telling me that if I imagined having 'Schmoey Shmordison' on HWFI, I should also imagine something on the island called a 'Free Clinic' and also possibly a cure for 'Shmerpes' because, otherwise, that shit's forever.
I just want to add that I forgot to imagine STD's entirely, so I'm safe. 

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Andy from Taddy Porter and's dark, but you can see the fear on his face, right?

S and I at Taddy Porter...with the reason we took the picture in the middle

Why I'm Not Allowed to Meet Famous People, Especially If Those People Are Taddy Porter.

The truth is, famous people make people act weird. So really, it's not about 'us' as much as it is about 'them'. My mild mannered friend S took out an entire row of men- from the ARMED FORCES, for God's sake- trying to touch Michael Buble's hand. There they were, defending our country and enjoying a little old fashioned crooning and here comes S like a stealth bomber or some kind of shit , climbing over their heads and knocking down chairs and totally wipes them out! Wenifer said she couldn't believe her eyes as S emerged from the pile o'soldiers, clawing her way to the top, arm outstretched still trying to touch HIM. I couldn't believe it either! Can you imagine how S would have acted had it been someone with actual sex appeal instead of Michael effing Buble?!
I'll tell you what she would have done- she would have acted like I did the night S, Wenifer and I met Taddy Porter, my very favorite band. I saw the guitar player walking around before the show and I went up to tell him how much I loved his band and all I could say was "Are you Joe?" before he was frightened away by my exhuberence OR the invisible writing on my head that says 'I'm sooo gonna jump out from behind a dumpster later and put you in my trunk'. It may have been my breath which was a combination of sashimi and champagne., but I WAS chewing gum and I don't think he got close enough to hear me much less SMELL me. I didn't do any better when I saw the singer, Andy, walking amongst the regular people. I went to shake his hand and like a total boob, tripped over something invisible on the floor of Cain's Ballroom (which is really HARD to do because that was the only time I have tripped at Cain's EVER and I was mostly completely sober, so I can't even use that as an excuse). Anyway, I had all this stuff to say- I'm sure you can imagine- about how much I loved their music and that it made me fall in love with music all over again and that I think they're easily the most talented, promising band on the planet- and what did I say??? "Best. Band. Ever." I'm not kidding. I tripped, fell on him and then said "best. band. ever." If that doesn't scream 'vodka drunk cougar',I don't know what does. The only souvenier I have is a really dark picture of Andy and I where the look on his face clearly says 'help me' and the never ending sting of embarassment. Well, I have that and the knowledge that I'm barely suitable for regular people much less famous people.

Random Things I Love About Frank

We recently found out that our lawn dude (the same lawn dude we've had for the last two years) Muerte, isn't really named Muerte- his name is Marcos. And furthermore, Muerte means 'death' in Spanish, which solves the mystery of why Marcos looks terrified whenever Frank calls out 'Need a chainsaw Muerte?' Way to go racist assholes!
And also this should definitely qualify as one of the things I love most about my husband- I managed to find the ONE man in the whole wide world who puts his foot in his mouth more than I do!