Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Raising Little Boys

"Please tell me you see a vagina." I said to my Obstetrician, the fabulous Dr. E as he moved the ultrasound wand around my abdomen.  It was early in my pregnancy with the youngest Baby C and I was about to find out if I was carrying another Frank or perhaps a Christine Jr.  "Well"...he said slowly "I do see a vagina, but it isn't the baby's..."  While I most definitely appreciated my doctor's sense of humor, I had to acknowledge a teeny tiny speck of disappointment.  Where was the baby girl I had dreamed about since I was a little girl? How was I supposed to play dolls and spend days shopping and getting pedicures with, of all things, another little boy?!?!  Little boys smell like wet dogs.  They throw balls at you.  They put boogers in weird places.  They like blowing things up and taking things apart. They like destruction in general. They enjoy farting, for God's sake.

Once when my sweet little sister, Sister, and I were spending the weekend together (and by 'spending the weekend together, I mean that I was sitting on the couch watching 'The Lion King' and occasionally handing her my bowl so she could refill it with Rotel dip.  I probably also jiggled my cup at her when my Coke was running low ) I overheard her talking to my oldest nephew in his bedroom.  I almost couldn't believe my ears.  "Did you pee in this glove?  Please tell me you DIDN'T pee in this glove?!?!"  Turns out, he had, indeed peed in the glove.  And he stashed it in his bottom dresser drawer so he could continue to pee in the glove.  Sister walked out of his room, shaking her head.  "Never have kids." she said. "Never fucking ever."

There's another incident I remember when said nephew was at my Mother's house.  Apparently, he ran out of toilet paper and instead of yelling from the bathroom for someone to bring him some, decided to take matters into his own hands by scooting across her bedroom carpeting.  Like a dog with worms. Or a really, really itchy butthole.  The look on my Mother's face when she told me was priceless.

What's funny is that I remember distinctly thinking to myself 'if I ever do have kids, they'll most certainly never pee in a glove or wipe their asses on the bedroom floor'.  I can practically hear God laughing. 

When Big Baby C was around two years old, he emptied all of my cupboards and put all of my pans neatly in a row.  Upon closer inspection, I noticed that all of the pans were mysteriously...wet.  "I pee teed in the pans." he said proudly.  The fact that it wasn't in a glove was little consolation.

My friends are full of stories about their sons- most involving poop, noxious smells and the like.  So yes, boys are most definitely little factories of ick.  But do you want to know what else I've discovered about raising sons?

Nobody loves a Mommy like a little boy- with both hands grabbing your face for kisses.  They love with a sense of ferocity- they would fight tigers for you.   Their emotions and feelings are right there on the surface, exploding around you with an intensity you've never known before.  They will make you stronger and tougher.  They'll make you fierce.  They'll make you laugh.

The nephew I spoke about above? He's almost 20 and a college wrestler.  He makes great grades and he's a fine human being.  He's gorgeous and funny.   And he loves sweet Sister with all of his heart.  Gives me hope for the Baby C's!

Monday, May 30, 2011

My Guest on HWFI for June...

June is my birthday month and therefore oh so very special to me, so believe me when I say it was a tough decision.  This is Matt Montgomery aka Piggy D- he plays bass for Rob Zombie.  How cute is he?!

I know, but remember when I said that my first crush was Eddie Munster?

I sooo wasn't joking!  Anyway, below is a better picture.  He's very well groomed for a rocker dude and he looks like he smells good, doesn't he?

Wenifer, S and I will be seeing Mr. PD live with the amazing Mr. Rob Zombie when he comes to town for the Hot as Hell Festival this coming July.  I'll be in the front row waving my ginormous 'I Heart PD' sign, of course. I may or may not be singing along to every song loudly and off key.  

I love his stuff with Zombie, naturally, but his solo stuff rocks, too.  Now you should totally go download his new single from itunes- it's called 'God Save the Queen Bee'.

Oh- I stole these pictures fair and square from his Facebook.  Credit goes to whomever it needs to.

Brett Favre Inspired Birthday Card

This Stupid Assed Craft started off innocently enough-- with a phone call from S. "Let's make Wenifer a card- you can draw something on the front..."

I replied telling her that I could not, in fact draw.

"Oh, yes you can.  I've seen you draw."

"That wasn't really drawing.  Plus it was with sidewalk chalk on my driveway.  All I can draw is a mermaid.  I'm a one trick pony."

S was thoughtful for a moment and then said "I'll bet you could draw a penis.  Or a dildo."

I couldn't argue with that logic and thus the 'Brett Favre Inspired Birthday Card' was born.

We decided to use the tissue paper mosaic technique.  Of course, you don't HAVE to make a penis- in fact, if you're making this with your kids or with anyone else's kids, I would suggest something a little less...jarring.  First get all of your supplies in a big pile, like this:
You'll need scissors, tissue paper in at least two colors, glue, one piece of white copy paper, one piece of white cardstock, and a Sharpie marker or a pencil.  The Sonic drink is also a requirement because nobody should have to craft without booze.  Or a vanilla Coke.

Begin by cutting the tissue paper into 1 1/4 inch strips.  (You can put three pieces of tissue paper together to save time) Cut the strips into 1 1/4 inch by 1 1/4 inch squares.

 Continue until you have a pile of tissue paper squares, like so:

Next, you'll put a generous amount of glue on the copy paper and spread it around using your fingers.  You could also use a paintbrush if you want, I suppose, but there's not much fun in that.

Once your paper is thoroughly gluey, begin placing the tissue paper squares in a row, alternating colors:
Let your paper dry completely.  We helped the process along by placing the paper in front of a fan.  I should add here that turning on the fan while your friend is cutting the tissue paper is a bad idea.  I know this because I turned the fan on while S was busy cutting.  S was also insistant that I admit that my idea of crafting is to watch someone else make something while I just sit there.  Which isn't true at all because I was reading the newspaper and providing the occasional humorous anecdote.  Which is A LOT.

After your paper is dry, flip it over and using the Sharpie or pencil, draw your desired shape and cut it out.  My guess is that you won't want to make a penis, but here's ours just in case:

 Of course, this is after we glued it to a piece of cardstock and made it appear to be singing, because that's exactly what a penis on a birthday card should be doing.  We also added googly eyes and sparkles because it was a birthday card, for God's sake and therefore should be as classy and tasteful as possible.

Just a teeny piece of advice for you- drawing a penis somehow leads to drawing more penises.  I'm not sure why...