Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Start of Something Good...Things You Might Not Know About Women

Frank and I are lucky to live in the same neighborhood as some of our closest friends. In fact, one of our very favorite couples in the whole wide world lives right next door- Big J and Consuela. Earlier this week, Big J and I were hanging out in the cul de sac, trying not to evaporate in the sweltering Oklahoma heat, while watching our kiddos ride bikes. We were discussing marriage- specifically, the differences between men and women and how we communicate. “I'm a guy- I just want the news” he said “so I know how to fix it. But women...” he continued “you guys are COMPLICATED!” At that moment, his super cute 4 year old daughter walked out of the house carrying a few new dresses. She and I looked at each dress discussing the colors, deciding which one was our favorite and picking the one she would to wear the next day. When we were done, J said “See?! Ya know what a guy would say if his daughter showed him some new dresses?? He would say 'how did you pay for that?' because we want to know the news. But that would sooooo be the wrong thing to say!”

He was right about that. The thought of Frank looking over my purchases and then responding with only 'how did you pay for that?' is enough to send me in a tailspin. But I don't think he knows that and it's just by the grace of God that he hasn't actually said it to me...yet. And since almost all of the men I know seem to be searching for some simple instructions on how to understand women, I decided to share my knowledge with you lucky bastards.

I'm going to write it in small bits because I don't think anyone will read it if it's super long. Plus, I have ADD. I'll have the first installment of 'Things You Might Not Know About Women' posted this weekend. Good luck and happy reading!


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

One of My Birthday Gifts From S and Wenifer

This is the most awesome birthday present ever- S and Wenifer gave me a Murderdolls pic autographed by the adorable and talented Joey Jordison and the equally adorable and talented Wednesday 13.  This fabulous gift inspired me to create a wall of music memorabilia in my office.  The girls and I are getting ready to give my office a little makeover (who couldn't use a makeover now and again?!) Thank God Wenifer can decorate like a MF!  I'll post pictures when we're finished.

My next piece of memorabilia for the wall??
A CD autographed by Piggy D, of course! I can't wait to show you guys the finished project!

Piggy D. - God Save (T)he Queen Bee

Cat Watching Slayer

Monday, June 20, 2011

Why I Thought 'Anal Bleaching' Was a Joke

Ok...seriously...S, Wenifer and I were sitting in my office last week discussing my new redecorating project (we were also discussing how much we loved the movie 'Bridesmaids'- if you haven't seen it, please go now) when someone raised the question 'what do you think about anal bleaching?'  I thought it was a joke at first.  Until I googled it, which I'm admitting to you now, is almost always a huge mistake.

Like that time I was supposed to go back to the dentist for a dental implant and sinus lift.  You SHOULD go google that now because it's horrifying on many different levels and you'll see why I have avoided the dentist as much as possible since then.  Which is hard because I think she's awesome and I adore her family.  But once again, I digress.  The topic here is anal bleaching. 

After much research I discovered that people do it in pursuit of a more youthful butthole.  Apparently, the stain of excrement makes it look older.  (Side note: you should be using baby wipes anyway.  Mothers have known this for centuries. If you aren't, it's likely there's poop on your bum right this very second)

Plus, I have used bleaching cream on my face- the burn is unholy.  No way it's going on my butt.  No. Way. Inhell.

And I'm not concerned with it looking younger- I'll botox my face within an inch of it's life, but when it comes to that particular area, it's on its own.  I barely acknowledge its presence anyway.  If you're concerned with someone thinking your butthole looks old, I suggest that you direct them to another more interesting part of your body and use the money for psychological therapy.