Saturday, July 9, 2011

Yet another piece...

of memorabilia for my office.  Trust me when I say that writing about penises and weird insects is incredibly dificult and therefore require an intense amount of inspiration. that was kind of a lie...I know my posts are weird, but if you ever expect them to not be so weird, then I need a little intense inspiration.  This is my latest.  I believe you already know who this is, but just in case you're new to my blog, this is Piggy D, the bass player for Rob Zombie.  The girls and I are headed to the Hot as Hell Festival on Sunday, July 17th to show Rob Zombie and the boys a little appreciation Oklahoma style (this translates to :jumping around like boobs, singing loud and off key and waving our ginormous 'I heart PD signs' while ringing a cow bell.  Fine.  Wenifer will totally be too drunk to ring the cow bell but the rest of it is mostly pretty much true. 

Friday, July 8, 2011

My latest piece...

...of rock memorabilia from THE GREATEST BAND IN THE WORLD...NASHVILLE PUSSY!  (Or as I like to call them, Nashville P-Word...because I'm a boob) This is my go to band when I'm in a bad mood because they just make me happy- you can't watch or listen to Ruyter play without smiling- she is simply perfection...and I totally would have been just exactly like her had I not become a wife and mommy...except I don't have blonde hair or talent so the music industry is just safer this way, people. If you don't know who they are, please go buy some of their music now.  Go on.  I'll wait.
And I'm going to buy another poster because my office needs more inspiration and they are most inspirational.  Please don't tell Frank how I'm spending his money though, ok??

Nashville Pussy - Say Something Nasty (Live Trabendo, Paris 10.12.2002)

This thing almost killed me this morning...

What. The. Fuck. This thing almost killed me this morning in my back yard.  It's called a 'Cow Killer Ant', but it's actually a wasp and the sting is said to be so painful it can kill a cow.  Now of course, I have the heebie jeebies so I apologize to everyone who sees me today if my hair accidently brushes my shoulder or basically if the wind blows in general and I stop drop and roll my way out of town.  Because I totally think it might be chasing me even though I sprayed 2 cans of bug spray on it and squished it with Frank's ginormous hunting boot 87 times.  Then I flushed the boot down the toilet. Also, I just saw a teeny ant on my window and I ran out of the room screaming "Oh, God, take the children- they probably taste better anyway!"

Even though I advised you to never Google things in my post about Anal Bleaching, I strongly suggest that you go Google this right now and remember to save yourself- you don't have to be faster than the ant- you just have to be faster than your family!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Things You Might Not Know About Women, Part 2

This is more of a 'things my girlfriends and I know about a man's reproductive organs'. I'm certain that the information will be useful to you as you navigate the tricky waters of relationships..

  1. Your penis should never, ever be involved in a surprise. Ever. Or an ambush.
  2. Sex education for girls used to be sort of like teaching us that encountering a penis was kind of like preparing for a zombie apocalypse- it was something we were minimally prepared for and a little frightened by. That's why we're serious about Number 1- put it away, roll over and go back to sleep.
  3. We don't want to wake up with it in our face area. Even if you're just gently tapping us on the forehead with it.
  4. We don't want to see it talk or sing (unless it's on a birthday card). Same goes for bending it into weird shapes. Really.
  5. It is NOT going to fly away if you take your hand off it for a second. This is a hard habit to break because we know this starts when your a little man, but we assure you, there is no need to keep rechecking to see if it's there.
  6. The only thing we know about testicles is this: you should never, ever accidentally zip your son's up in his pants when he's four because he'll be 6 and still insisting on wearing pants with an elastic waist. Or so we've been told.

Monday, July 4, 2011

To The Bitch At Wal-Mart Who Made Me Cry

First you should know that I am one of the nicest people in the world.  I'm not exaggerating or bragging- it's true.  I'm genuinely kind, I love everyone, I would never intentionally hurt another living thing, be it animal or human.  Now that you know that about me, let me also tell you that I never cry. Know why? Because I'm forgiving and tolerant, as well. That's why your angry tirade directed at me for accidentally placing my water bottle a little too close to your groceries in the checkout line at Wal-Mart was so shocking. 

I have never seen a walking, talking jackass before, so I do thank you for that experience.  I'm sure the checker who also experienced your wrath sends a big 'thank you' to you as well.

Another thing you should know is that the minute you left, I realized that I hadn't activated my debit card.  Four people behind me in a very overcrowded grocery store waited patiently while I attempted to hit the correct numbers on my iPhone, not once, but three times.  You see, I was very flustered and fighting back tears- it made it quite hard to see the right numbers.  While I was trying to activate my card, a funny thing happened- the checker made jokes about what an asshole you were, the lady behind me jokingly asked if she could put her water with my groceries, because we're all obviously trying to trick someone into paying for our water what with it being $1.04 and all.  The other lady behind that woman said "Her husband was totally looking at your boobs. Maybe he should stop gawking at tits and keep his woman in check instead."  By the time I left,  I wanted to hug each one of them.  I'll pray for them for the rest of my life for showing me kindness when I was about to have a waterworks breakdown.

The last thing I want you to know, dear lady, is this:  Nice people ALWAYS win!  You know why?  Because we actually CARE-- about people, animals, and whatever else trips our trigger.  We do NOT give a flying fuck about someone putting their water in the wrong place in a checkout line. Ya know why?  Because shit like that doesn't matter to us.  We value love, acceptance, tolerance, peace, kindness, honesty and generosity. We genuinely like helping others- comforting and bringing them joy.  And never, ever forget how lucky you are to live in a world with people like us.