Saturday, August 6, 2011

Something else I know about men that I almost forgot

Ladies, I have something to share with you that you may or may not find a little disturbing- someday- if he hasn't already- your husband WILL will put on your underwear when you're not looking.  I know this is a fact because it happened to me last night.

I'm preparing for a trip to Vegas this coming week (Mandalay Bay topless pool, flesh colored duct tape and a pitcher of pina coladas here I come!) and I need a bronzer.  Not self tanner. I'm deathly allergic to the ingredient in ALL self tanners called 'dihydroxyacetone' or as I lovingly call it 'itch-the-fuck-out-of you-and-make-you-want-to-scratch your-effing-eyeballs- outacetone' and I'm on the hunt for a bronzer that will last through swimming and sweating, but will wash off with soap.  And also not turn me orange.  I found one from Victoria's Secret this year, but while my shopping instinct  (which is never, ever wrong, people) strongly encouraged me to buy more than one bottle, I convinced myself that there would be plenty the next time I went to the mall and that I should spend my extra money on Dippin' Dots.  That, my friends, was possibly the worst shopping decision made by anyone in the history of the world. Because it's gone.   And I mean ALL gone.
I experimented with several bronzers last night, layering, drying each layer with a hair dryer, buffing the mixture until I thought it was nearly perfect when I decided to surprise Frank with a little view of my brand new tanned self in my brand new Vegas undies.  I just want to insert here that I never, ever call women's undergarments 'panties'.  It's creepier than clown porn and cartoon porn rolled into one.  I also want to add that bronzers cover a MULTITUDE of sins including the sin that instead of doing the aptly named 'Insanity' workout you promised to do every day last week, you ate Krispy Kreme donuts and watched the DVD waiting for the workout dude to take his shirt off.  And that's a very large and lumpy sin. folks.
Frank was mildly impressed .

Frank: Why are you in your underwear walking around the house on your tippy toes? 
Me: I want to show you my new Vegas tan and my new Vegas undies but I need high heels to make me look thinner. See?  (up on tippy toes) Now I'm taller and thinner! (not on tippy toes) Now I'm short and fat.  It's like fucking magic!
Frank: silently returns to watching television

I decided to put on my real jammies and head to dreamland for yet another test of my new bronzer. The 'Holy Shit It's All Over My White Sheets Test', and was nearly there when Frank came into the bedroom.  He was doing a perfect imitation of me walking around on my tippy toes, except he looked like a total boob doing it...ahem. And he was wearing my underwear.
There are very few moments in life when something render me speechless.  This was one.  I have nothing more to say except that somebody is taking someone to the fancy underwear store today for for new undies.  Because you just can't recover from that shit. 

I also want to add that I had to Google images of DJ Ashba, Joey Jordison and Piggy D for about an hour to burn the image from my brain.  My hubby is damn sexy, but black lace is just NOT his color!

Dirty Girl World Cartoon...or something like that

This morning I was enjoying my few precious moments before the children woke up by watching a little TV and looking for documentaries on various World Wars and already know that's a lie, so I'll just admit I was channel surfing for The Smurfs (I love cartoons. LOVE.) when I came across a cartoon called 'Dirty Girl World Cartoon'.  Or something like that.  I passed it too fast to remember the actual title, but I swear it was almost nearly exactly 'Dirty Girl World Cartoon.' Of course, I had to Google it, despite my previous warnings to myself and others to stop Googling shit. Do you want to know what I found?  Page after page after page of cartoon porn.  I'm not joking.  I'm worried that there's some kind of real porn shortage that I obviously know nothing about.  I'm worried that cartoon porn is a joke I don't understand.  I'm even more worried that it isn't a joke.  I mean, there's already clown porn, which I kind of get because clowns are creepy as hell and the world is full of weirdos, but cartoon porn?!?!  Really???
I'm also worried that some poor innocent child is going to try to find this cartoon on the internet and receive instead an education on both cartoons and porn that they really don't need.  It will also educate them about the minds of some adults.  They don't need that shit either.  It's fucked up.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Making real live friends on Myspace and Facebook...this means YOU Dirk Korte

OK.  I actually did this.  I know people think it's a myth, a joke, a long shot...but it's not.

Recently I acquired an extra poster of one of my very favorite bands, Nashville P- Word (lame, Christine...really lame) and since I have a friend (one you may refer to as 'just a facebook friend') who is also a rabid fan, I decided to send it to him. He lives in Belgium, which is where the best chocolate in the WORLD lives, too.  I know this because he sent me some as a 'thank you'.  It was not necessary to thank me, but WOW, I'm so glad he did!!  Now my brain is in overdrive trying to think of things to send him that he'll be grateful for because I swear to God that they put crack in that chocolate because I've had to beat everyone away from it with a baseball bat, which is BAD because I strongly believe I've had PMS for two weeks now and all I dream about is chocolate anyway...ahem. 

My point is, one of us (I can't remember who) sent the other a friend request that was random.  The other one accepted.  Now, we communicate occasionally (making sure I survived the tornadoes this spring, asking questions about cultural things we may not totally understand about the other person's way of life.  Like the time I explained Thanksgiving.  But I totally had to Google it because I forgot what it was all about and I couldn't remember if Miles Standish was part of Thanksgiving or a cartoon character from Rocky and Bullwinkle).  Now, I consider us FRIENDS, in the real sense of the word.  Not just 'facebook friends'. (I want to add that this is NOT because he sent me's because we've taken the time to nurture and develop an actual friendship.  But if you don't know me and you really, really WANT to be my friend, chocolate is a great way to start!)

I have other friends I've made on facebook and myspace, too- ones I may or may not actually ever have an opportunity to meet in real life, but I consider them as real and important to me as the friends I hug every day (you all know I'm a hugger, right?).  My advice (though you didn't ask, but I know you want) is to take a chance and send someone you don't know a friend request- maybe you'll share the same interests, maybe you'll just think their profile picture is cool, maybe they just look interesting...maybe they'll think you're creepy and ignore you, I make no promises.  But maybe, perhaps, if you're lucky. you'll end up with a REAL friend.