Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Reasons Why Tom Cruise Will Never, Ever, Ever, Ever Be a Rockstar No Matter What Amen

First things first:  I'm folding laundry while wearing the cutest apron AND baking my family coconut macaroons while I'm writing this post...about rock stars...so if that doesn't give you a glimpse into the strange  mixture of contradictory interests that are me...(side note:  the key to multitasking?  Lowering every one's expectations.  Ps- this post is gonna suck, the laundry isn't going to be folded nicely and the cookies are going to give everyone diarrhea)  But let me get back to the topic at hand- the plethora of reasons why Tom Cruise should not, under any circumstances, be allowed to play a rock star.  Ever. It goes against everything I believe in. AND as you already know, I know loads about this shit, right?

Ok...Let me start with something one of my girlfriends (a fellow lover of metal and all that is holy) said on Facebook 'he's too wholesome to be believable and he played guitar in his underwear 30 years ago- we've seen that already'  Rule #1 A rock star has to have been through some shit- it makes for good stories later- or at least look like he's been through some shit.  AND nobody needs to see them in their undies playing air guitar to a Bob Seger song.

Rule #2  you cannot look like a douche canoe in guyliner.  Period.  Guyliner should make you look dangerous...unhinged...sexy...but never, ever like a douche. 

Rule #3  you gotta look good sweaty.  There is no substitute for this one.

Rule #4  I need to want to see you naked.  AND other women need to want to see you naked, too.  This one is non negotiable as well.  And I don't actually need to see you naked...I just need to want to.

Rule #5  you need to actually play an instrument and/or write.  This is totally personal, but I feel kindred to people who write- that connection is...hot.

Rule #6   Tattoos and piercings?  Yes!  I'm totally in.  Some of my friends waver, but I don't.  You need a lot of bad ass tats or none at all.  (None is kind of bad ass, too but you can't have a few- it's all or nothing)

Rule #7  I need to love your music.  Or I need to love your passion. Mostly, I need to love your music.

Rule #8  It's ok to be totally broke.  It's ok to be rich as long as you're not an asshole.  It's not ok to be a rich asshole.  I know plenty of rich assholes.  They are not rock stars.

That's all I have for now, but I'm sure I'll add more later!

Ps- the cookies?  They suck for real!!