Monday, June 25, 2012

Today as the littles and I were enjoying a dip in the pool, I overheard the eldest Baby C, Colin, telling one of his friends "Ok- watch my butt.  There are gonna be bubbles, but I'm so NOT farting!" Sigh.  I realized that in order to get this kid married off eventually (ie:  not supporting his happy ass for all eternity)  I was going to need to start teaching him some useful shit.  Like, how to be a good husband and stuff.  And to be honest, for someone who lives her days in the hopes that her kids will eventually learn how to make blender drinks because it's a loooong way into the kitchen, that was a most daunting realization.

Women who mother sons are amazing- we're tough, smart, creative and we have more energy that anyone.  We have to be amazing- little boys are the shits.  The shits who will set you on fire when you're not looking.  We can wrestle, make dinner and learn Japanese all at the same time.  We invented multitasking.

I started mentally compiling a list of things my boys are going to need to know before someone will marry them.  AND most importantly, stay married to them. It's a long list, friends.  And I reserve the right to add all kinds of stuff to it.  If you have any suggestions, I'm totally open.  This kind of information exchange has the potential to help mothers of sons everywhere.  And of course, we do need all the help we can get.

1.  Carrying shit.  YOU do it.  This also applies to opening shit, fixing shit and killing shit.

2.  Be a gentleman even if nobody else does it.  Be a gentleman to teachers, sweet ladies in our neighborhood, checkers at Target, waitresses...everyone.  Girls notice.  (On this subject, tip generously.  Girls notice this, too and you should do it even if they don't notice.)

3.  You're cute.  But you're not that fucking cute.  Wipe the toilet seat when you're done.  Yes, every time.  And yeah, I know you don't think you pee on the seat, but you totally do.

4.  You're super protective of me and I love that.  Remember how that feels and always, always be respectful.  To all women. 

5.  While we're on the subject, settle for nothing less than respect from anyone you date.  You are awesome and don't ever let anyone else tell you differently.

6.  The girl you marry??  How does she feel about letting me have free access to your children?  To you??  How does she feel about living close to your mommy?  Most importantly, can her love be bought?  By me??

7.  Don't ever lose yourself in a relationship or allow someone to lose themselves in you.  The best relationships happen when you're both independent and happy.  Your happiness and fulfillment are not her responsibility and vice versa.

8.  About happiness?  You guessed it.  All up to you.  Never depend on another person to make you happy.  And never, ever depend on anything external to make you happy- it needs to come from inside you.  If you 'get' this, it will save you loads of money on therapy.

9.  The baby you create with someone? Its half yours. This means if the baby cries at 3am, get up.  You need to get up in the morning and go to work? So does the mommy.  You're tired and need a nap?  So does the mommy.  You get sick and need a day off?  So does the mommy.  If you cant commit to this, don't have sex.

10.  If you never start drinking or doing drugs, then you never have to worry about how you're going to stop.  Plus, the first time you come home inebriated, I'm shaving your eyebrows.  I'm so fucking waiting for this-- please, give me a reason to shave your eyebrows.  Most guys need eyebrows or nobody will want to have sex with them.  Think about it.