Saturday, October 6, 2012

Everything I know about marriage...

So, remember a long, long time ago when I told you that I know loads of shit about marriage?  Well, get ready dear friends.  I'm about to impart some wisdom.

  •   One of you is going to be an asshole at all times. Make sure that you are an asshole fewer times than your spouse.

  • Try to not be an asshole, always.

  • The 50/50 rule is bullshit.  Are you comfortable with giving 80% and your partner giving 20%?  Cool.  You're ready to get married.

  •  Give 85%, always.

  •  I promise you than at some point in your marriage, you will contemplate divorce, murder and/or running away.

  •  Don't file for a divorce, kill your spouse or run away and join the circus no matter how tempting a trapeze career appears.  Always.

  • If you're a guy:  Give your spouse attention.  Make her feel special.  Show her that you think about her when you're not together.  Tell her she's beautiful.  Tell her she's brilliant.  Recite poetry.  Write songs.  Make her feel like she's the only woman alive.  The occasional blue box from Tiffany's won't hurt and when is the last time you took her out for a nice dinner or bought her a little gift for no reason you selfish jerk?  Rub her feet.  Tell her she's beautiful again.

  • If you're a girl:  Blowjobs.  And when he doesn't want a blowjob?  Feed him.