Tuesday, May 1, 2012

My friends are weirder than yours!! And cooler...but mostly, weirder.

Tonight I escaped the house and went to visit my neighbor/brother Jason and his beautiful wife, Connie.  My brother gave me a little grief for not posting anything on here for a long time so  I told him that I had to be inspired to write this shit and that nothing inspiring had happened to me in a while.  And then like fucking magic, someone started a conversation about dick piercing. 

I'm pretty sure Connie was disgusted by the idea or at least not as intrigued as yours truly, because I was all 'I like sparkly things!!' and 'I also like jewelry!' while she was shaking her head.  Then Jason chimed in and said that he thought there was ummm...a reason why guys pierced their junk.  Connie and I laughed and I said 'I don't know?? You can't feel shit up there- it's how we have babies, for the love of God! Can you imagine giving birth to the oldest Baby C if I could have felt it??  You guys saw the size of his head, right?!?!'

It did start me thinking about the rest of my friends and how this is a topic we haven't actually covered before (no idea how we missed it- we covered anal bleaching on day 5 people!)Before I tell you what they said,  I want to make sure you know that nobody mentioned anything about one of us getting our girlie parts pierced- they have been through enough, thank you and most of us are not THAT crazy.

Sweet Baby Sister said that she thought dick piercings were a highway to infection (YUCK) and would probably smell bad...like worse than ball sweat. (MF YUCK)

The one person I could count on to take this conversation straight to hell was Jenifer.  And she did:

Jenifer:  Sure. Why not? Especially if it's for my benefit in the long run.  Healing time might be a little too long though. But I don't know how I feel about 'shiny things' on a penis. Dijazzle it and I'm OUT!

Me:  Dijazzle = a sign from satan that the guy has the clap!  What about googly eyes and a smiley face??

Jennifer:  NOOOOO!!  Too creepy!

Me:  But it already sort of has a mouth...OMG!!  Wait!!  One eye like a cyclops!!

Jenifer:  Yes.  What about a tattooed penis that grows into a larger, more intimidating tattoo?

Me:  You are a fucking dick genius!  Like what...an earthworm that turns into a cobra?

Jenifer:  Make sure it's 'tattoo' not 'tatu' from Fantasy Island.  He's not intimidating.

Me:  Yeah, that's not sexy or intimidating unless he was a badass ninja little person.

I'm going to skip the next part of our penis modification convo because it's really, really nasty.  But to give you an idea, we covered:  a sea serpent penis tattoo with lots of colors (for the art, you perverts), no 'mom' tattoos under any circumstances (I'm not putting that in my vagina!), the fact that it would have to be high quality art (prison tattoos say bad things about a dick), the possibility of inventing flavored tattoos because a coconut flavored tattoo just screams 'beach party' doesn't it??, and a certain badass little person we all know who should put a picture of himself on his junk.

With my friends, this shit just writes itself...