Thursday, June 28, 2012

If there was ever any doubt that I'm possibly slightly nerdy, I'm getting ready to totally erase that for you forever.  Ok.  Now you can suck it for reminding me that by saying 'possibly slightly' I really mean 'totally fucking.'  I am.  And I wave the nerd banner proudly.

I've always been a nerd.  I know I've said it eleventy thousand times, but my first crush really was Eddie Munster, one of the only non rock star, rock stars I know.  While other little girls carried around pictures of Andy Gibb and Shaun Cassidy, I carried a Munsters lunchbox.  This crush was followed very shortly by a crush on Peter Criss (I still have that one) and like a true gateway crush, led to something more serious:  a membership in the Kiss Army.  When I was in the third grade.  This, dear friends makes me a rock star nerd.

Of course, loving Peter Criss led me to actually loving music.  That, and my mom bought me a copy of 'Hotter Than Hell' for my birthday when I was around 8 and I learned all the words to every song in two days. She bought me that record and a snazzy little orange record player.  Which was a gateway gift because in the 80's, Evil Christine discovered metal bands and that was the point of no return for me.  Throughout my life, I've counted on music like it was my best friend.  I moved around a shit ton as a kid- I went to 13 different schools before I was 17. Music gave me a way to communicate.  A way to feel less lonely. A happy place and a way to fit in.  This, dear friends makes me a music nerd.

When I was a Senior in high school, I had one of the most amazing teachers in the world for advanced Anatomy and Physiology.  (I know, right?  Advanced!  As if!)  Mr. Byfield was one of my very favorite teachers.  He didn't let me slide.  He made me work.  He made me love science with a passion.  When I talk about science and how amazing and fun it is, my eyes glaze over a little.   This is totally a gateway school subject because, as a result,  I was actually sad when college chemistry was over.  I loved my Microbiology professor so much I hugged her on the last day of class.  I get a little hot and bothered over microscopes and petri dishes.  This makes me a science nerd.  (and also possibly super, duper strange)

Also, I love to read.  If you give me a choice between watching a movie and reading, I'll always choose the book.  My parents used to have to frisk me for books before we ate dinner.  So I would just read the ketchup bottle instead.  (My parents were so mean!)  My favorite book is 'A Wrinkle in Time'- Madeline L'Engle was totally a rock star.  I re-read that book at least once a year. I love words.  I love language.  And that makes me a book nerd.

This year, I discovered bats in my backyard.  Once, in the middle of the day, there were two precious little bats (see what I mean?) on our trampoline.  You guessed it- gateway mammal because I'm in my happy place when the moon is out and I'm watching my bats eat.  I also willingly attract mosquitoes for them to eat so they can have a yummy bat meal.  Mosquitoes leave a bite on me the size of a cantaloupe.  This, naturally makes me a bat nerd. (And seconds the motion regarding me being strange.  I'm hardly surprised)

What I'm tring to say is that no matter who you are or what you do, you're probablya nerd, too.  And you shouldn't sweat that stuff because everyone is nerdy in their own way.  And that's more than ok with me..

Monday, June 25, 2012

Today as the littles and I were enjoying a dip in the pool, I overheard the eldest Baby C, Colin, telling one of his friends "Ok- watch my butt.  There are gonna be bubbles, but I'm so NOT farting!" Sigh.  I realized that in order to get this kid married off eventually (ie:  not supporting his happy ass for all eternity)  I was going to need to start teaching him some useful shit.  Like, how to be a good husband and stuff.  And to be honest, for someone who lives her days in the hopes that her kids will eventually learn how to make blender drinks because it's a loooong way into the kitchen, that was a most daunting realization.

Women who mother sons are amazing- we're tough, smart, creative and we have more energy that anyone.  We have to be amazing- little boys are the shits.  The shits who will set you on fire when you're not looking.  We can wrestle, make dinner and learn Japanese all at the same time.  We invented multitasking.

I started mentally compiling a list of things my boys are going to need to know before someone will marry them.  AND most importantly, stay married to them. It's a long list, friends.  And I reserve the right to add all kinds of stuff to it.  If you have any suggestions, I'm totally open.  This kind of information exchange has the potential to help mothers of sons everywhere.  And of course, we do need all the help we can get.

1.  Carrying shit.  YOU do it.  This also applies to opening shit, fixing shit and killing shit.

2.  Be a gentleman even if nobody else does it.  Be a gentleman to teachers, sweet ladies in our neighborhood, checkers at Target, waitresses...everyone.  Girls notice.  (On this subject, tip generously.  Girls notice this, too and you should do it even if they don't notice.)

3.  You're cute.  But you're not that fucking cute.  Wipe the toilet seat when you're done.  Yes, every time.  And yeah, I know you don't think you pee on the seat, but you totally do.

4.  You're super protective of me and I love that.  Remember how that feels and always, always be respectful.  To all women. 

5.  While we're on the subject, settle for nothing less than respect from anyone you date.  You are awesome and don't ever let anyone else tell you differently.

6.  The girl you marry??  How does she feel about letting me have free access to your children?  To you??  How does she feel about living close to your mommy?  Most importantly, can her love be bought?  By me??

7.  Don't ever lose yourself in a relationship or allow someone to lose themselves in you.  The best relationships happen when you're both independent and happy.  Your happiness and fulfillment are not her responsibility and vice versa.

8.  About happiness?  You guessed it.  All up to you.  Never depend on another person to make you happy.  And never, ever depend on anything external to make you happy- it needs to come from inside you.  If you 'get' this, it will save you loads of money on therapy.

9.  The baby you create with someone? Its half yours. This means if the baby cries at 3am, get up.  You need to get up in the morning and go to work? So does the mommy.  You're tired and need a nap?  So does the mommy.  You get sick and need a day off?  So does the mommy.  If you cant commit to this, don't have sex.

10.  If you never start drinking or doing drugs, then you never have to worry about how you're going to stop.  Plus, the first time you come home inebriated, I'm shaving your eyebrows.  I'm so fucking waiting for this-- please, give me a reason to shave your eyebrows.  Most guys need eyebrows or nobody will want to have sex with them.  Think about it.


If you know me in real life, you know that during spring break, I had breast augmentation surgery- my second.  What most of you don't know is that already, a little more than 3 1/2 months later, I'm looking at my third boob surgery.  And that is just fucked up. 

What's fucked up mostly is that I was born with boobs- the free kind.  If I have the next surgery, I'll have boobs that cost more than $18K.  And even for me, who  never met a luxury I couldn't justify, that is ridiculous.

The reason I need another surgery is because of a little something called 'capsular contracture' which is another more fancy term for 'wonky boobs.' They look ok in a shirt, but in a bikini top?  Wonky.  Totally fucking wonky.  (and I don't mind admitting this to you, dear friend, because NOTHING about me is normal anyway- I'm so used to it by now)  Do wonky looking boobs bother me?  No, not really.  The main problem is how bad they hurt-  like some asshole is completely pissed at you, only instead of punching you in the face they're twisting the muscle behind your implant.  Really, really hard. 

The worst thing is that even if I have the revision surgery, it's likely the capsular contracture will come back.  So, you might be wondering, what on earth should I do??

I honestly don't know.  I'm horribly shallow and have an insane desire to spend loads of money just trying to look a teeny bit better.   But tonight, as I was researching breast augmentation revision surgery, I started to feel a little sick.  Before my last surgery I googled 'Awake'- and if you're getting ready to have surgery, please don't do this- watching it necessitated a team of very strong and very determined nurses to get me into the operating room.  And some extra drugs.  (side note:  you should ask Frank about this.  I said something along the lines of "OHMYGOOOOODDDD FRANK, we should totally take some of this shit home with us!"  I may have also said "This shit's totally AWWWEESOME!!!"  I don't actually remember.)

Anyway, I started thinking about my favorite aunt, who battled evil in the form of breast cancer (she totally kicked its ASS!  The women in my family are super human like that.  During her last chemo treatment, she wore a feather boa and played a kazoo.  I love that woman more than life itself!!!!)  I started thinking about my aunt and about how cancer almost took her away from me before I was able to tell her how much I adore her and the ground she walks on.  I thought about women everywhere- women fighting breast cancer, fighting autoimmune diseases, young girls fighting a bad self image or fighting abuse, women waging all kinds of wars everywhere.  And me?  The worst that's going on in my life is that my boobs are wonky.  Really, Christine?  That's all you've got?

Plus if you're just looking at boobs, then you're missing the best part of a woman.  NO, I'm not talking about her girlie business- I'm talking about her heart.