Tuesday, July 10, 2012

This week's wine post...I'll name him 'vodka'...

Welcome to this week's wine post and I'm not gonna lie- it's totally vodka's fault.  Vodka is evil as shit.
I recently ended a phone conversation with my bff, Stacy, in which we discussed, at length, why we aren't married to each other, because we're fucking awesome AND why we can't enjoy 'Magic Mike'.  (Me:  Because my nephew looks like Channing Tatum  Her:  Because Matthew McHoweveryouspellhislastname looks like a douche in a leather vest)  But, I promised there will be Coke icees and she has permission to throw popcorn at my boobs.  It will be a very, very good day. And it will certainly happen very soon.

I'm wondering if AT&T has a 'slobbering' warranty for IPhone's because I keep carrying mine around in my mouth.  I'm serious.  There are teeth marks all over my otter box.  That sounds so much nastier than it is. (*disappointed*)

Taking the kids on our first family vacation.  What?!  It's gonna rain all week in Corpus fucking Christi?!?!  Well...thank God they're civilized in Texas and sell wine in grocery stores...they also sell something called 'Beaver Nuggets' so, I'm good!!

My bff, Stacy??  She's going on a family vacation where she needs a little something called 'bear spray'.  Yuh huh.  I don't think 'bear spray' is something that makes people wanna bare their cash and prizes, but whatever.  I'm totally in.

And vodka?!  Yeah.  You're evil.  Which means that after Stacy, you're totally my number two.  And shut up about being my number two- I still can't order fish tacos without laughing. 

I have some really bad, super bad, awful news for you...

...the terrible two's?  Totally true.  But the Tyrannical Three's?  Much worse!  And nobody is going to prepare you for that shit. 

The Terrible Two's are terrible...kinda.  They're terrible because your two year old, who was totally a baby yesterday, has realized they have a teeny bit of power.  And they wield it like someone with two years' life experience- they're terrible at it.  They'll kick your ass in the grocery store- because they're tired and they just wanna go home and take a nap.  But your three year old?  They'll kick your ass in the grocery store because YOU'RE tired and you wanna go home and take a nap.  Huge difference.

The difference is a little something called premeditation.  And that means that while you're looking at them thinking how cute and innocent they look, they're smiling at you thinking 'I'm fucking taking you out.  Today.  2:00.  I will not be defeated!'  And they won't.  Because they aren't tired.  They're well rested and they're completely ready for YOU and whatever you're bringing along with you.

Today, before 9:30am, I said all of the following:  (I'm so not playing- ask Frank- he'll back me up....well, he might not back me up but he'll at least agree that I was a bitch way before the bitching hour)

  • Stop licking me.  Stop licking that. Put your tongue in your mouth and leave it there.
  • I hope you get worms from licking your shoe/brother/the toilet seat.
  • Yuh-huh!  I AM the boss of you!  
  • Yuh-huh! I AM a grown up!
  • Nope. They're not drums- they're boobs.  And they're mine!
  • I will NOT play Rack City on the way to school. 
  • You can't play with the Ipad while you're pooping, because you'll be touching it with 'poop fingers'.
  • If you take your finger out of your nose for one fucking minute, maybe it will stop bleeding.
  • You did NOT make that noise with your butt, therefore it is NOT funny.  We have standards around here!
  • Please don't put nails in the electrical outlets and put daddy's hammer away before DHS shows up and takes you away!
  • Wait...Keep the nails.  Keep the hammer.  Never mind.
  • The pink Hello Kitty band aids?  They're mine! You used all of your Dora the Explorer band aids-?!?! SUFFER, BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so not kidding....this was before 9:30, guys.  In the morning.  And this was just one little boy- I have several of those lying around the house right now.  Sigh...I need so much more wine...