Friday, July 20, 2012

Rules for the Burp Game...

And fine, the fart game.  Just because I know that you'll be unable to rest until you know.

First let me say that this is the most asinine game in history- I think my kids change the rules every so often, probably to discourage me from playing. Also, so they can punch me.  Scratch everything but that last part- they enjoy punching me a little too much and that's just fucked up.

THE BURP GAME:  After burping, the burper must say 'touchdown' before their opponent says 'blitz'.  If their opponent says 'blitz' first, then the burper must find a door handle to touch.  In the meantime, the opponent can punch the shit out of the burper as much as they want.

THE FART GAME:  After farting (side note:  I have friends who refer to this as 'gassing'  or 'fluffing'...it isn't gassing or, God forbid, fluffing, guys- it's a fart.  That is all.)  the farter must say 'safety' before their opponent says 'doorknob'.  If their opponent says 'doorknob' first, the farter must find a doorknob to touch.  In the meantime, you guessed it- punching the shit out of the farter is required.

My kids added some special rule or addendum called 'the reverse clause' that says when they burp or fart, everything is reversed.  This means that they burp and I have to say 'blitz' or they get to punch the shit out of me until I figure out what I'm supposed to do next.  It is utterly unfair.  They also get to punch me if they randomly say 'slugbug' (you can't convince me that's a real game) or 'sno cone shack'.  No idea why they get to punch me if they see a sno cone shack- punching me is a very bad way to get me in the mood for a little snowy deliciousness.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

The Spitting at Sea World Incident (and what I think of waterparks, fast food play areas and truck stop bathrooms)

They're all disgusting.  So very disgusting...

Let's start with truck stop bathrooms or just public restrooms in general.  No.  Just no.  The best part of my recent public restrooming experience is that Demon is in the process of potty training.  This means I'm familiar with every public restroom from here to...Port Aransas, Texas.   I hate using public restrooms so much that when we finally got to Corpus Christi, I had to pee so badly that I thought I was gonna puke.  I'm guessing that the only thing worse than peeing in a public restroom is puking in one.  And I'm so not a germaphobe- I'd like to borrow somebody else's obsessive compulsive disorder for a minute so I can finally get all the rooms in my house clean at the same time.  

Play areas at fast food restaurants?  After my kids go into one, I'm completely unwilling to touch them until they've been dipped in hand sanitizer.   (It's not like that matters- I love them a little more when they're clean anyway.  And little boys almost always need a bath.) I'm serious about this one- when we stopped somewhere around Austin to eat breakfast, my kids enthusiastically played in the Chick-Fil-A play area.  A few minutes later while we were shopping in Target, the oldest Baby C needed a hug. I hugged him with a stick.  From about 15 feet away.

Waterparks?  Public swimming pools in general?  Like swimming in a toilet.  While we were at Aquatica in San Antonio, I saw a group of adults sitting in the kiddie pool with nary a kid in sight.  You totally know they were peeing, right?  I wanted to tell them they were oh so very busted, but Frank made me leave instead.  I think it was the spitting incident that did him in

Leslie, her eldest little and my three littles (including Frank in there, naturally) waited in line for about 45 minutes so we could ride...I forget, but it was the ride where you go under the sting rays??  Not that I would have known- I was too busy impersonating a cat and trying to keep my face out of the pee water.  Anyway, about half way through our wait, Demon started giving the stink eye to...everyone.  Including the sweet mom behind us and her 3 year old daughter.  Apparently they didn't know the rule about 'no eye contact with Demon until he gives you the go ahead' and he responded to their "oh my, you are just the cutest little guy..." by spitting at them.  Repeatedly.  Frank and I were mortified, of course, but when you're at a waterpark, you're gonna get wet...from pee water or Demon spit.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

"Well, I've only heard him say 'boobies' a few times..."

...and that's the very best thing I heard all vacation.  My friend Leslie said it about Demon- we were discussing how strangely well behaved both of my children had been- and except for a few sporadic 'boobies' here and there and the spitting incident at Sea World ('boobies' happened to our waitress at the hotel during breakfast- she asked Demon if he wanted syrup to which he replied 'boobies.' No idea, people) they were pretty darned good.  For my kids.

We went to Texas, which was awesome because that is my very favorite state.
First, I thought Frank and I made a terrible mistake underestimating the power of my children to stay awake on sheer willpower and sugar- we woke them up at 1:00am and put their little butts in the car hoping they would sleep the majority of the way.  Of course, you guessed it, they talked like machine guns for about 30 minutes.  (where do they get that, anyway?!) After they finally fell asleep, I dozed a little, making Frank promise to wake me in Dallas so I could wave to all of our friends (hello to my sister from another mister Kelly and her family, my former E50 block party participants Karen and Rob, etc.)  Anyway, after waving, I fell asleep until we had breakfast somewhere around Austin.  I love how that works.

The best part of our trip was that it started on Friday 13th, which happens to be my lucky day.  And it was such an amazing day- I saw my babies as they tentatively and briefly dipped their toes in the ocean for the first time (there were a bazillion jellyfish) AND we-- hold your breath-- toured one of the most haunted places in America, the USS Lexington. I know.  Evil girl heaven.

The next day we ventured to Port Aransas which was the best part of the trip for me- I loved how laid back and relaxed everything was.  I also loved the fact that Texas sells wine in GROCERY stores AND they have liquor stores with drive through windows.  I made Frank buy wine at every grocery store we went to, just because he could.  Plus, I  like wine. 

AND we had some awesome traveling buddies- our friends Cole and Leslie and their babies.  What's great about traveling around other families is that their littles entertain your littles so there's more time for things like Mexican Martinis.  (I love Leslie because she is funny as hell and she loves 'mommy's happy hour' as much as I do- it was a win-win for me.)

In Corpus Christi, I ordered wine from room service (vacation fantasy #1) and I drank in on the balcony overlooking the haunted ship and a perfectly deserted beach (vacation fantasy #2). Another night, the boys collected crabs from the beach (which I'm sure is one of their vacation fantasies, but it's not even in my top 20) We ended the vacation in San Antonio, which could not have been more perfect- or any hotter.  I'm not kidding- it was hotter than hell there. Seriously.  It was fucking HOT.

The drive home was even tolerable, although I did threaten to stab Frank in the neck with a fork periodically.  Sorry.  I soooo needed a nap.

Next?  The spitting at Sea World story and what I think of waterparks and truck stop bathrooms.