Friday, August 31, 2012

Book Review...of lady porn

So you probably already know that 'lady porn' has become a huge deal lately- everybody and their grandmother is reading '50 Shades' (yawn) and since wrapping up that naughty trilogy, we've all moved on to other similarly scintillating reading material. 

First, I wanna say that women have been reading dirty books forever-  have you seen rows upon rows of 'heaving bosom' novels at Target?  Yeah, me too but I quit reading those in junior high, as did most of my friends.  Since then we've moved on to bigger and better reading material.  (side note:  have you ever noticed how, whilst discussing lady porn, everything becomes dirty??  Bigger and better?  Get it?  Oh, fuck...never mind.)

I love Megan Hart's books, so if you're looking for post 50 Shades stuff, I suggest you start there.  They're well written and they get to the dirty stuff pretty quickly.  'Deeper' was my favorite so far and she has a couple of new books coming out in September.

I'm finishing 'Bared to You' right now and, although I will definitely finish it, it's just barely.  The guy in the book comes off like a creepy stalker and his dirty talk is AWFUL.  So now, of course, I'm making a list of things you can't say in a dirty book.  Here's the first part:

**Hang on - this reminds me of a conversation Stacy and I had many years ago about talking dirty where we both decided on a number of words that are just...forbidden.  Ding dong (any ding derivative like 'ding a ling',) hiney, and most euphemisms for vagina. I could go on for days, but you get the point, right?**

Anyway, the following is a list of words and phrases I took directly from 'Bared to You'- I would like to remove these from all forms of dirty talk, forever:

  • Fisted (relax you pervs- this refers to hands being fisted in someone's hair.  It's still gross)
  • Quivering (makes me think you're cold and slightly afraid)
  • Spasming (sounds like it hurts plus they make medication for that)
  • Needy (just never attractive on anyone)
  • Sex (a vagina can't be referred to as a 'sex'- it confuses me)
  • Arousal (can imagine my 7th grade health teacher saying it)
  • Making love or any request to 'Hold me"(I'm still laughing- it's lady porn for Christ's sake- we'll have none of that)
  • Buttocks and/or butt (unsexy as fuck)
  • Chafed (ouch)
  • Panties (Oh God, please stop referring to women's underwear as panties.  Please.)
  • Throbbing, Pulsing, Clenching, Tender, and Aching (Ewww, icky and ouch.)
  • Oral skills (really??  That's what you're gonna call it??  Now methinks you don't have any.)
  • Strained at the confines (makes me thing you're popping the buttons on your pants after eating Thanksgiving dinner)
  • Torso (What. The. Fuck.  Reminds me of the movie '13 Ghosts'.  Remember?  When one of the ghosts was called 'the torso'??  Remember?!? It happened, I swear.)
  • Big, beautiful penis (Hahahamotherfuckinghahaha!!!!  Oh, God- I needed to laugh like that!)
  • Spurting hotly (Gross.  If you're 'spurting hotly' all over a girl, you need to go to the doctor for a shot of penicillin. Or so I've heard.)
  • Convulsive (No. Reminds me of a grand mal seizure- not even a little bit sexy)
  • Stroke (Billy Squier.  Not sexy.)
  • Semen (Gag.  I shouldn't have to add this one, but...)
  • Crown (Of what??  A king??  A baby crowning??  Not sexy in the slightest.  Plus, it makes me giggle.)
  • Anus (I'm already giggling.  And dear God never mention it in the same sentence as the word 'pucker'. Page 234- I'm not joking.)
  • Anal Play (now I'll never stop giggling)
  • Rimmed, Tissues, Underskirts, Mounted (what is this, 1857?!?!)
  • Screwing like minks (sounds like something someone would say when they aren't having sex...ever)
  • Pantyless (barf.  Stop with the 'panties' already!)
Honestly, I have notes in the margin all the way through this book- it made me laugh too much for it to be sexy at all.