Saturday, October 6, 2012

Everything I know about marriage...

So, remember a long, long time ago when I told you that I know loads of shit about marriage?  Well, get ready dear friends.  I'm about to impart some wisdom.

  •   One of you is going to be an asshole at all times. Make sure that you are an asshole fewer times than your spouse.

  • Try to not be an asshole, always.

  • The 50/50 rule is bullshit.  Are you comfortable with giving 80% and your partner giving 20%?  Cool.  You're ready to get married.

  •  Give 85%, always.

  •  I promise you than at some point in your marriage, you will contemplate divorce, murder and/or running away.

  •  Don't file for a divorce, kill your spouse or run away and join the circus no matter how tempting a trapeze career appears.  Always.

  • If you're a guy:  Give your spouse attention.  Make her feel special.  Show her that you think about her when you're not together.  Tell her she's beautiful.  Tell her she's brilliant.  Recite poetry.  Write songs.  Make her feel like she's the only woman alive.  The occasional blue box from Tiffany's won't hurt and when is the last time you took her out for a nice dinner or bought her a little gift for no reason you selfish jerk?  Rub her feet.  Tell her she's beautiful again.

  • If you're a girl:  Blowjobs.  And when he doesn't want a blowjob?  Feed him.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

About Lucid Dreaming...

You guys know I'm sorta obsessed with anti aging stuff, right?  (if you didn't, now you do.  Friends?  I'd like to introduce you to Christine's obsession with anti aging.  Obsession?  These are my friends.) Anyway, I recently started taking a couple of supplements that are supposed to combat the effects of aging- and they share the same side effect-  vivid, lucid dreams.  Woooohoooooo!!

Ok- just in case you're curious, they're Acetyl L-Carnitine and Lipoic Acid (recommended by Dr. Oz for memory...if I remember correctly) and something called DMAE (recommended by Dr. Perricone, the skin genius, for skin anti aging benefits).  Technically, I have no idea what they do or even what they do in combination.  All I know is that the nighttime hours just got a whole lot freakier. 

At first it sounds great, right?  Lucid dreaming means that you are aware you're dreaming and that you have some control over what you do while you're spending the night in dreamland, right?  Sorta.  It means that all of your dreams, the good and the bad, are VIVID.  And controlling them?  Yeah, you can IF you have a lot of control over how your brain works to start with.  Hush up.  I can totally hear you laughing.

Honestly, even the really, really horrible nightmares are funny (I know that's weird and I'm sorry.  Actually, I'm not sorry at all, but I'm sorry about THAT.) And yeah, I've been able to do a little of the stuff where you can decide what to dream and then actually dream it, but that stuff has gone horribly wrong.  It's sorta like watching a movie in slow motion in which you're the star.  My problem is that when it veers in the direction of 'ohhhh!  I'm getting ready to enter a forest full of vampires' instead of running away like a normal person, I run neck first into the forest yelling 'yooohooo vampires!  I'm over here!!  And I'm probably delicious!'  Anyway, the lucid dreaming stuff is apparently very, very temporary.  But until it's over?  I'm going to enjoy every creepy, freaky, bitey second of it.  And of course, I'll tell you all about it...